Growing through forgiveness: Forgiving the Unforgiven
I didn’t like my father much when I was growing up. I always felt like he only was concerned about what was going on with me when I was messing up in school or getting in trouble around the house. I spent a lot of time watching him sleep because he worked at night and when he was there during the day he was usually watching television and eating his Chinese food. I didn’t know his side of my family and fortunately my mother’s side of the family is so big I didn’t really miss it. That is until I would think about my cousins who had another side to their families or my friends. My Dad didn’t do many things with me and my mother used to argue with him for not doing so. So as I got older I used to feel like I would not even attend his funeral when he passed away. I felt that way for a long time.
After I got older, had a child, raised children of my own and started to work with other children I began to look at my father differently. When listening to other kids talk about their dads I started to look at what I learned from my father. He taught me the importance of providing for your family and how to be a good father by not doing what he did. The time I got mad at him for not putting me under his car insurance after I got my driver’s license he told me “If you don’t think I did a good job, then you do better”, and that has always been my measuring stick for dealing with kids. Once I recognized this about myself I began to feel better about my father. Then he got sick. He ended up in a nursing home and I would visit him a couple of times of year and take the kids with me. When he needed stuff I would try to make sure he had it. That’s when I knew I had forgiven him. It was a combination of understanding that he did the best he could with what he knew how to do and the way he lived his life left him where he ended up. I did go to his funeral without any ill regard towards him and am happy that helped me to become the man I am today in his own way. What do you think? Is there anyone that you thought you would have never forgiven and have? Is there anyone you need to forgive?
Gloria
November 11, 2013 at 1:30 pmYes I have someone I need to forgive. My dad died three weeks ago and my sister did not come to the funeral. she and my dad was not estranged as a matter a fact dad’s last outing was her retirement party in June. My sister had tickets to go on a Spa Retreat, Go Figure!
Paul
November 12, 2013 at 12:37 pmHey Gloria,
I am sorry for your loss. You may that forgiving her will help you through your own grieving process.
Christine
November 12, 2013 at 11:22 amI am learning that I need to forgive myself. When my mother passed away I was not there and I am still holding on to that; what kind of daughter was I to not be there. Everyone I know says that it was a reason I was not suppose to be there; due to the fact my mother and I was so close that maybe I could not handle her passing. I don’t know if I would have been able to handle it or not I do know that I should have been there. Forgiveness is what I am in search of for myself.
Paul
November 12, 2013 at 12:39 pmI have found that it becomes harder to accept blame from others when you forgive yourself…
Laurie
November 12, 2013 at 11:54 amNicely written Paul; you have given me food for thought. Thank you.
Paul
November 12, 2013 at 1:01 pmThanks Laurie… keep us posted on what you come up with
Andy
November 12, 2013 at 1:46 pmPaul, your name sounds familiar. I have been trying to remember what technology contract, but it’s escaping me.
Forgiveness is one of the most enobling traits and reflected pervasively in the Lord’s teachings. Though it is an unselfish act, the blessings unto the self are evident with freedom from the bondage of guilt, remorse, anxiety, and sadness that have arisen from an associated withholding or lack of forgiveness.
Many there are who receive great healing strength by making a conscious determination to forgive (repentance) and then acting with faith to earn God’s grace to do what they cannot of themselves. Life is a very good teacher and forgiveness is one of the best lessons to learn and practice as a mantra of our daily walk.
Paul
November 12, 2013 at 1:49 pmHey Andy,
That is extremely profound.. thanks for the response. We know each other from the Ad.com days….
Pat
November 17, 2013 at 10:10 pmPaul, Great post! I am attaching a link to a book my 27 year old son just self-published on Amazon – another story of forgiveness. I thought you might enjoy downloading and reading it. Forgiveness is such powerful thing for both the person who is being forgiven and for the person who is doing the forgiving… Hope all is well with you as you continue in your coaching journey! http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FAlcoholics-A-story-forgiveness-ebook%2Fdp%2FB00FADKRAU&h=_AQGez8k2 Pat Sheveland
Paul
November 17, 2013 at 10:33 pmThanks Pat!!
Andy
November 19, 2013 at 6:17 amAh, ad.com, yes I remember now. Please forgive my forgetfulness! I didn’t mention it last time, but thank you for sharing the personal account of the relationship with your father growing up.
No matter our walk of life, trials, tribulations, joys, and so forth, our hearts are knit together in the fabric of being human. We suffer agony of mind, body, and soul in like manner with variable experiences.
We also delight to experience joy, happiness, and fulfillment.
We are quite simply, much more alike despite all the worldly divisions and classifications that convince many we are the measure of differences, versus the culmination of our similarities.
What is most astounding is the recognition and realization that our free will is the only thing we truly control in mortality. We cannot will the actions of others nor foresee future events that can require great endurance of strength, wisdom, and courage. We are in essence walking by faith through this existence whether or not we believe in God or religion. But, we need not feel helpless moving forward.
Of a certainty, I do know all our performances and trials will be consecrated to the greater good of personal growth if we but learn humility, gratitude, and submission to God. And we can know of a absolute truth that the patterns of our lives are discernable so we may acquire knowledge of things as they really are, which is often contrary to the popular opinions of the world.
When we lose ourselves in “becoming”, we find the eternal potential that exists in each person who lives today. “Becoming” is another word for seeking change with all our heart, mind, might, and strength through all we can do. Then, by exercising faith we will receive help beyond ourselves at each successive growth period of our lives, when trusting that God will make all things right with patience and time.
Forgiveness comes by way of such things…and it sets us free to more judiciously take the next steps of “becoming”…
Karen
November 20, 2013 at 11:01 amYes I have forgiven my ex-husband for the breakup of our marriage and for not being there when I needed him. I actually thought at one time I hated him for what I thought he failed to do for our family. But then I heard the Lord say that I couldn’t move further until I released him from the guilt that I was feeling. I finally realized it wasn’t my ex-husband I hated but it was my own misguided feelings about the fairytail life we were suppose to live as a husband and wife. Through the period of unforgiveness I have developed a very intimate relationship with God where I can see my ex now and not feel anything about what happened to our relationship.